💭 Why I’m Writing This
This isn’t a cry for help. It’s a blueprint for survival.
There was a point in my life where I didn’t want to be here anymore. I wasn’t looking for attention, I was just tired. Tired of carrying everyone’s expectations. Smiling when I didn’t feel like it. Drinking just to feel nothing.
But instead of killing myself physically, I had to kill the version of me that was making me want to.
That’s why I’m writing this. Because I know I’m not the only one who’s felt like that.
🪖 The Army Changed Me, in Good and Hard Ways
I was deployed to Bosnia during their civil war. The Army wasn’t all bad to be honest. I saw places I never would’ve seen. Met people I never would’ve met. Laughed and learned with people from all backgrounds. Got disciplined in ways that shaped me for life.
But I also learned to keep everything in. Stay strong and don’t break.
So I came home like a lot of vets do, staying quiet on surface but beneath on edge. Smiling when I needed help.
📊 Veteran Suicide: The Stats No One Wants to Talk About
Every day, 17 veterans die by suicide.
We make up just 6% of the U.S. population—
But 13.5% of all suicides.Most don’t say anything. They just disappear.
I Was Disappearing Too
I didn’t want to die, but I couldn’t keep waking up like this.
I was drinking too much with fake friends. Saying yes to every woman and everything else. Carrying other people’s problems while ignoring my own. I wasn’t living, I was performing and that version of me, was slowly killing me.
Kinda feeling like people’s emotional sponge. The guy who stayed quiet so others could feel comfortable.
So I made a decision: if I want to stay alive, the past has to die.
The change didn’t happen overnight and it wasn’t pretty. But piece by piece, I let the old fragile me go on a long stroll until he disappeared.
🧠 I Had to Reprogram Myself
The problem wasn’t just emotional, it was mental. My thoughts were wired for survival, not peace.
So I update my programming and gave myself a reboot. I started reading and listening to a lot of self help books and audio. People like Les Brown and Jim Rohn on repeat.
I needed real actionable steps, not just a dose of inspiration.
“nothing worst than an inspired fool” Jim Rohn
You need education with doses of inspiration.
Books that helped:
- Think and Grow Rich: “A Black Choice” – Dennis Kimbro and Napoleon Hill
- The Power of Focus – Jack Canfield
- Rich Dad, Poor Dad – Robert T. Kiyosaki
They helped me rewire my mind and remind myself I still had choices about my life and finances. Money was a big problem at that time of my life.
✅ What Actually Helped Me (Action Steps)
This isn’t therapy, It’s just what worked for me and still does.
1. Be Honest With Yourself
I had to stop blaming my past, my parents and my circumstances. I looked in the mirror and said, “Okay. It happened. Now what?”
2. Change your Environment
I couldn’t heal in chaotic environments. That meant creating space for myself and cutting ties. Walking away from unhealthy friends and family.
3. Stop Numbing Pain
I used drank to escape the hurt. But the pain was still there when I sobered up.
I decided to face the problem rather than to keep numbing myself and damaging my health.
4. Reprogram Your Input
Read books and watch programs with more substance. Listen to voices that don’t just entertain you, but challenge you. Your mind is like software. You have to update it often.
5. Move Your Body
I started walking, exercising and doing push-ups. Simple things. I just needed to sweat and prove I still had control over something.
6. Talk or Write It Out
I didn’t go to therapy at first. I talked to myself in the mirror out loud. I wrote music about my thoughts. I stopped bottling everything up. Things like that help get me back on track.
7. Make Small Promises Daily
I didn’t promise to change my whole life in a week.
I just promised myself today and I’d keep one promise a day.
I loved myself and said I wouldn’t betray myself. That was enough to start and then build momentum.
😌 I Also Learned to Laugh Again
A big sign I was healing, I started laughing at myself again.
When you’re always in survival mode, everything feels heavy. But once I started changing, I stopped taking myself so seriously.
If I’d mess up and I’d just say, “Well, that was dumb.” And move on.
Laughing didn’t mean I wasn’t still struggling, it meant I wasn’t beating myself down about small things.
I watch “Big Bang Theory” on repeat. It’s one of my favorite shows that help me get though.
✊ Final Word
If you’re reading this, and you’re in that in-between space, where you’re not sure you want to live, but you’re scared to die, just know: I’ve been there.
You don’t have to die.
But you might have to kill the version of you that’s keeping you stuck.
It takes time and It hurts. People won’t always understand your struggle.
But your peace of mind isn’t worth any relationship on this earth.
Walk away from all negative relationships and love them from a distance if necessary.
I didn’t die.
I just changed.
And if you’re willing, you can too.
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